decisions, decisions...

What do i want to do with my life?

I really thought i would have had this figured out by now. 

Since October I have constantly been in a battle with myself over this perplex question. I hate that no one else can answer this for me... Only I can... Talk about stressful. You are talking to the girl who can not decide on anything. I hate making decisions, big or small it doesn't matter. It all takes me way to long to figure out. That is why most of the time i beg my Mr. to make the decision for me. It was working great for a while until he one day decided to no longer coat this disability in my life. Boo, major boo! Life was so much easier when someone else made decisions for me. 

So what do i do now? 

I started substitute teaching. Its different. I love being around the students. But, not knowing what the day holds until 20 minutes till the kids march into the room expecting the best day of their lives is very stressful. I have a whole new respect for teachers and subs. 

There are 40 schools within the Keller school district... 40, i counted. We have elementary schools in neighborhoods, that is how big neighborhoods are here. Things are truly bigger in Texas : )  Since i wont be subbing in highschool we can take 5 away. So that brings us to 35, take away the middle schools, cause we all know if i look to young to sub in highschool I am probably to young looking to sub middle schools.... that leaves us with 29. I have 29 schools i can sub at. I shouldn't complain about that cause I could get a job every day if i wanted. The problem that i am facing as a new substitute teacher is, every school that i have subbed at thus far has been a different layout. Which may not seem like a big deal until you have no idea where the bathrooms or cafeterias are. You quickly learn to rely on 15 first graders to guide you in the halls. It has been very comical to me.

I have committed to finishing the school year but I believe my subbing days will come to a close after June. It just isn't my thing. 

So now what do i do?

I have NO clue. I've tried everything within childcare and i dont feel like I'm meant to be there even though i love kids.

Ok God, I hear you. 

I'm trying to figure it out mostly on my own, with a little dash of  Your guidance. The problem is, I don't hear that clear small voice calling me anywhere. 

I know and am very confident that God has created me for a specific purpose. But God, what is it? What could you possibly create me for that no one else can do? 

I came across this quote the other day and it stopped me in my tracks...

"If you can't figure out your purpose, figure out your passion. For your passion will lead you right into your purpose" - Bishop T.D. Jakes

wow.

Ok, God I hear you.

Passions.... what are my passions. 

• wedding planning
•  i love weddings like Ross loves Rachel. It is deep within me. I can't help but get excited for those committing their lives to each other. It's such a beautiful tradition.

• kids
• i truly love being around kids. They are full of life and can be so funny. But I've tested the waters with working along side kids and I'm comfortable saying its a passion but not my purpose. But you never know that might change once the Mr and I have our own kiddos.
•   adoption
• Adoption has always been on my radar. I remember being 10 and telling my Grammy i wanted a "black baby". My heart has always been open to the opportunity to one day adopt, whether here in the states or overseas. 

adoption... that's it. That is my over whelming, can't hold it inside passion. 

Thinking of adoption as a career as well as an action, has been in the back of my mind for awhile now.  The only problem is, i don't know where to begin. I feel like i know a lot about what to expect when you are adopting but feel completely lost when it comes to working with families wanting to adopt. So i have pushed it aside since college because i don't know where to start. 

I have completely given this question of  "where do i go from here?" up to God. He has guided me thus far, He will continue to show me where i need to be. 

For starts i filled out an application to do volunteer work at Gladney Adoption Agency downtown Fort Worth. I have been talking to Mary there who has been wonderful! Once all my paperwork goes through i will be able to start. I mentioned how i feel completely lost when it comes to where God wants me and she completely understood and is giving me an opportunity to help in every area at Gladney. How exciting! What better way to get my feet wet then to experience adoption work in every sense of the word. 

I really have no clue whether or not volunteering at Gladney will one day lead me to a job there or somewhere else but im honestly ok with that. I am just excited to get this process started. No more pushing it aside. I am finally stepping up to this BHAG..."Big Hairy Audacious Goal" ( alittle Jerry Falwell reference ) . 

Wish me luck : )